What a Difference a Day Makes

Wow yesterday's practice was light, flowing and fun. Today's practice on the other hand was cold, difficult and ended up with me hiding my tears while in paschimottanasana. There was no real reason for at all whatsoever but with each failed attempt at bakasana b (12 in total) I grew ever more frustrated at myself, my practice and any and everything else. I stood up for drop backs and was able to do one. I stood at the front of my mat for a moment contemplating a few more and started to get teary eyed. I turned around took a few deep breathes and then assumed the position for assisted. I couldn't look JB in the eyes because I didn't want my emotional state to become a "thing". So I just turned my head and did assisted back bends as best as I could. I sat down to do paschimottanasana and that's when I lost it.

At that point I grabbed a towel and walked out of the room and on my way to the locker room I ran into a shalamate who embraced me with open arms. She encouraged me to cry and to get it all out of my system and she was really nice about it and eventually even had me giggling at the absurdity of the situation.

I tend to think of myself as tough as nails and that's the impression that most people have of me. However, there is the rare occassion when I do have complete and utter meltdowns. The thing about today's meltdown is that it wasn't at all about the asana, yeah it sucks that I can't do a pose and I admit I sometimes get green with envy when I see shalamates flawlessly execute a pose that they were just given. But it's ladies holiday and I'm dealing with some work frustrations (the normal stuff that comes with starting a new job) and I just think that coupled with my practice frustrations led to my meltdown.

Interestingly enough I do think that there was something in the air today at the shala because quite a few of the practitioners called  it quits early because of one ailment or another. Perhaps we can blame it on the lack of moon days in December. 

Contemplation

I feel like I'm at a critical point in my ashtanga practice as my one year anniversary approaches. I'm dealing with my second injury within a six month period, my favorite assistant/teacher has left, my teacher teacher hasn't been around consistently since June and there is a possibility that he will move out of state come next fall.

Given all of that I'm left questioning a lot of things about the practice as a whole. Do I want to continue my commitment to said teacher even though his commitments may lie elsewhere in the not so distant future? Do I want to continue my commitment to the practice even though it's left me injured and my muscles in a state of constant soreness? My new hypothesis regarding my intercostal injury is that they are a result of the extreme tension and tightness throughout my back and when I do back bending my front intercostals overcompensate somehow thus leading to strain and injury. It's just a theory but I don't even know what kind of doctor/body worker I should schedule an appointment with to shed some light on the situation. The doctor I saw last time only diagnosed me and told me to rest. Had he explained how the injury occurred in the first place I might not be in the situation for a second time but I digress.

When practice is good, it leaves me feeling really good for the better part of the day and I look forward to getting back on my mat the next morning. Nothing else can really compare to that feeling. But truth be told I haven't felt like that since early August. And while I'm very fortunate to be able to practice with one of the best teachers in the city I should value any amount of the time that I DO get to practice with him because I know there are folks out there that leave in remote regions of the country that don't have the type of access that I do.

I don't think I'm going to pack it up and call it quits any time soon but with all of this extra time on my hands it's no wonder that I've started to contemplate these things. And if there's one thing that I've learned from my yoga studies is the concept of impermanence and how everything is constantly changing. The less accepting one is of this universal axiom the more suffering one is bound to endure in this lifetime. As a concept it totally resonates with me but being able to fully accept that as reality is what is so challenging.


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Kicking As-ana

I practiced this morning and all I can say is that I kicked some as-ana. Actually, practice was ok but compared to my most recent pathetic attempts at practice today's practice was pretty good. I was able to practice my jump backs and jump throughs which was nice.

After I got home from practice today I started thinking about my practice in general for the past month and a half and I kind of feel like I hit a plateau. I'm tempted to say that I'm a little frustrated by it but that's not 100% accurate either because I still enjoy the daily practice and I know that I shouldn't be attached to results. However, when my less rational and results driven side starts taking up residence in my mind space I start asking myself questions like:

"when will I be able to consistently bind on the left side of marichyasana d?" "when will I be able to straighten my legs in kurmasana?"
"when will I be able to bind my hands for more than a millisecond in supta kurmasana?"
"when will I be able to balance on my own in kukkutasana?"
"when will I be able to reach my knees to the floor without my teachers full body weight on my thighs in baddha konasana?"

And the list goes on. I know that Guruji says "practice and everything is coming" but I've got a consistent 5-6 day a week practice and I'd like to see more of what's coming from all of the practice I've been putting into it. And I realize that in the grand scheme of things 5-6 months of practice really isn't that long and when I have thoughts like the ones stated above it's all the more proof that I need to continue with my asana practice to quiet my mind and to move me further along the path to enlightenment.